Fighting a Feeling (a phanfiction)
by Zoeisonfire
Summary: Phil can't fight it anymore, he has to accept it. He is in love with Daniel Howell. But how do you tell your best friend that you've secretly been in love with them for the past three years?
1. A Bad Start

**A Bad Start**

"I love you Dan!"

…Silence.

"What did you just say?!" Dan looks at me, his eyes full of hate. Great, now I'd really messed up! Still, too late to back down now I guess…

"I love you" I repeat, my voice starting to break and my eyes filling with tears. This was all going so wrong, so badly wrong! Dan just looked at me, then stood up and walked out of the room. A moment later the front door slammed shut. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had messed everything up! A great friend, flat mate, someone who was like a brother to me, and I'd managed to scare him away with four simple words. I'd been waiting to tell Dan for so long, and now I had I wished I'd never bothered. A tear rolled down my cheek. I couldn't take it anymore. I fell to the floor and cried in a desperate attempt to stop myself from feeling this pain.

"Phil?" I didn't reply. What could I say to the person who had just broken my heart?

"Phil, are you getting up or not? I've made pancakes, and not just any pancakes, these are frickin' Delia Smith pancakes!" What? I opened my eyes and looked at my Pacman alarm clock. '11:00am'. Then I realised._ I'd been dreaming, and Dan didn't hate me!_ I jumped out of bed, my mood instantly improved, the smell of pancakes making me notice how hungry I was. As I entered the kitchen, I saw Dan trying to scrape the remains of a pancake off the ceiling with a spatula, swearing under his breath. I laughed to myself, a mixture of happiness and relief washing over me, and drowning the fears from my dream.


	2. Pancakes

"Dan, do I even want to know how you got a pancake stuck to the ceiling?" He smiles as he turns to look at me, his eyes so different to the cold dark pair from my dream.

"I was trying to flip it but it got stuck to the pan, so I kept trying to flip it and… well I guess I flipped it a little too hard!" he looks up and starts to laugh. That laugh was enough to make me weak at the knees; the way his eyes shone and his dimples became more profound was enough to make me- I have to stop myself or I probably would have tackled him to the ground and kissed him there and then. I sit down at the breakfast bar, my knees giving in slightly. '_He was perfect_'.

"Honestly, I thought you were good at making pancakes!" I laugh with him, desperately trying not to show my feelings for him. I had waited three years; I could wait a little longer.

"Well if you're so much better at it, why don't you give it a go?" Dan challenges me, his smile revealing his perfect teeth. How was it possible for anyone to be this perfect?

"Fine, I will then! But let me go put my glasses on..." I usually wore contacts, but on Sundays I liked to wear my glasses, to give my eyes a bit of a rest. I was grateful for an excuse to get out of the room and calm myself down. I knew I needed to tell Dan how I felt, but today wasn't the day. "Maybe tomorrow" I mutter to myself as I walk up the stairs-the same two words I had been muttering to myself every day for the past three years. I ambled into my bedroom, kicking Lion away carelessly from under my feet as I walk to my desk, then guiltily picked him up and kissed him as I put him back on my bed. I was so immature, and I hated myself for it, but I had a soft spot for Lion. And Dan didn't see me anyway, so it didn't matter. I quickly grab my glasses off of the table and looked in the mirror. My reflection sighed back at me, then gave me a brief smile. I took a deep breath to calm myself, then walked back into the kitchen to see Dan preparing more batter mix.

"How many pancakes do we need?" I tease him as I look at the huge pile of pancakes already stacked onto a plate.

"Hey, you can never have enough Delia in your life!" Dan jokes as he hands the spatula to me

"I'll get another one thanks; I know where that one's been!" I laugh as I point to the ceiling

"Oh yeah…oops!" Dan threw the spatula into the sink and quickly handed me another one. Our hands touch slightly as I take it, my heart skipping a beat as I feel the warmth of his and briefly touching mine. 'No, stop it, he'll see you blushing.' I take the bowl of batter mix and pour some into the pan, my hand shaking slightly as the delicious mixture hits the pan. After a minute or two, I check the bottom side of the pancake to see if it was done. Seeing a golden brown colour, I take the pan of the hob self consciously as I realise Dan is watching me, looking as though he was going to try and make me jump.

"Watch and learn my friend" I say with more confidence than I thought I could muster at that point.  
I bend my arm slightly, ready to flip the pancake. As I toss it up into the air, I feel two hands grab my waist. I jump and squeal slightly, not in surprise; I knew what Dan was about to do, but because feeling his hands around my waist was possibly the best feeling in the World. We both look up as the pancake hits the ceiling. It doesn't come back down again.

"Dan!" I say, pretending to be annoyed, but secretly ecstatic. As I put the pan back on the hob, I feel something fall into my hair with a light thud. Dan starts laughing behind me. I look up and realise the pancake that I'd manage to get stuck to the ceiling had fallen off and landed in my hair. I began to laugh as I pulled bits of pancake out of my hair.

"I think I'll go grab a shower then!" I say. "But save me some pancakes!"

"I can't promise anything!" Dan says as he starts to prepare another one.


	3. PHAN IS REAL 1! 33

I get into the shower, still shaking slightly as I think of Dan's hands clasped around my waist, his slender fingers slightly digging into my side. I wish he would hold me like that again, and never let me go, to tell me he loved me and that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. I sigh as the water drops hit me, masking the tear that fell down my face. I hated myself for feeling this way, I was sure he would never love me back, and yet I couldn't help it. Even thinking about him was enough to make my heart ache. More tears followed the first and, losing all self-control, I started to cry.

"Phil?" Oh God.

"Phil are you alright? You've been ages! Also… there's no more pancakes left, I ate them all" I laugh, my smile breaking my sobs.

"Yeah I'm fine" I say, my voice shaking slightly. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Alright" I hear Dan walk away, his footsteps becoming fainter. This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't even make breakfast with my flatmate without crying for God's sake! I needed to get a hold of myself; at this rate Dan was going to realise that I liked- no, that I _loved _him. And then how would he react? '_Probably by walking out_' I mutter to myself as I step out of the shower, remembering my dream. Truth is, this isn't the first time I've had that dream. I've been having it almost every night for the past six months, when I finally contemplated telling Dan how I felt. I try to put the thoughts in the back of my mind and got dressed; the usual bright t-shirt, dark skinny jeans and mismatching socks. I didn't own a matching pair anymore; no matter how many pairs I bought I would always lose one of them, leaving the other one without its pair. I felt like one of those socks, left on my own, without a partner. I quickly put the stupid thought out of my mind and walk into my bedroom to dry my hair. I flop down on my bed, my damp fringe falling in front of my eyes. I flick it away impatiently as I pick up my hairdryer. I turn it on and start to dry my hair, thinking about what my next video could be about. Once it was completely dry, I unplug the hairdryer, swapping it for my hair straighteners. As they heat up I hear a knock on the door. _Dan._

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, yeah sure…" I suddenly feel self-conscious, all the feelings from this morning flooding back. '_I can't keep doing this' _I think to myself, but what choice did I have? Risk losing Dan? I couldn't, and I wouldn't. Today just wasn't the day. Dan sat down on my bed and put his hand on my knee. I nearly fainted at his touch.

"Phil mate are you sure you're alright? I thought I heard you crying in the shower?" _Oh no. _

"I wasn't crying!" I say a little too quickly. Dan looks at me, obviously noticing how quick I was to defend myself. _Stay calm Phil._ I force myself to keep looking at him rather than breaking eye contact as I usually would have, and smiled at him, desperate to show him I was okay. "I'm fine, really, but I can't believe you ate all of those pancakes!" Dan starts to laugh.

"You know I can't say no to Delia!" He says as he continues to chuckle. "I can cook some more if you want some." he offers as he stands up, taking his hand off of my knee.

"No it's okay, I'm going to go into town in a minute anyway, I need to get some new jeans. Do you want anything?"

"Oh, umm no I'm alright thanks."

**~ Dan POV ~**

"No it's okay, I'm going to go into town in a minute anyway, I need to get some new jeans. Do you want anything?"

"Oh, umm no I'm alright thanks." I can't help but be surprised at Phil's question- we always went into town together, even when we lived in Manchester, but he'd made it perfectly clear he didn't want me there. "I'm gonna go film my next video then, see you later…" I say as I walk out. I was confused. Phil had been acting really strange around me lately. Was it something I'd said? I think back to our conversations over the past few days. I don't _think_ I've said anything to upset him. I hate seeing him upset though. It was obvious he had been crying in the shower; Phil never was a very good liar. I want to cheer him up but I don't know how. Deciding he needs some space, I plan to try and act normally around him until he's ready to open up about whatever's upset him.

I walk into my room and sit at my desk, opening my laptop. I go onto Twitter and scroll through my timeline, not paying much attention, until I see a tweet by someone called Zoeisonfire. _[Alright don't judge me I'm stuck for names so I'm using my own!] 'Original name' _I think to myself as I begin to read the tweet. It read: "OMG PHAN IS REAL! 33 danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil are TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER!" _[Side note: I would NEVER tweet anything like this, it's supposed to sound stupid!] _There was a picture link on the tweet. I click on it and see a picture of me and Phil from one of our recent videos, looking into each other's eyes. Normally these tweets just amused me; some of the tweets people tagged me in said the most stupid things, but I couldn't help but stare at this one. I looked at the picture and grimace, noticing how obvious my feelings for him were. I was annoyed at myself for letting my guard slip. I was usually pretty good at covering up my feelings, but lately it was becoming harder. I wanted to tell Phil how I felt, I really did, but Phil was straight as far as I was aware, so what was the point? I shut my laptop lid and got out my camera and tripod, setting them up in their usual place. I clicked record and started to film, trying to not look as tense as I was feeling. I always felt anxious when filming a new video- I guess I was a bit of a perfectionist, but the tension I felt when filming was nothing compared to how I felt when I thought about telling Phil that I loved him. I force Phil to the back of my mind, focussing on what I was saying to the camera, but the thoughts kept coming back. _I need to tell him._

**~Phil POV~**

"I'm gonna go film my next video then, see you later…"Dan walked out of the room. Great, now I'd upset Dan. That was all I needed! Deciding it would be too awkward to call after him, I continued to get ready, angry at myself for acting so stupidly.

20 minutes later I reached the bus stop. I sat down on the bench, my hair falling over my face as I looked at the pavement, trying to clear my mind. I hear a voice come from a few meters away.

"Phil?" I look up to see two girls standing a few feet away from me, with huge smiles on their faces. One of them gasps as I look up. "It is you!". One of them runs up and hugs me. I stand up so I can hug her back properly. This was definitely my favourite part about being popular on Youtube- you could always rely on a fan or two to cheer you up! We break apart after a few more seconds, the girl's eyes filled with tears.

"Hey!" I say to her as I smile. I look at the other girl, who was awkwardly standing a meter or so away, looking as though she wanted to say something but was too scared. "What are your names?"

"Mine's Becky" the girl standing in front of me says.

"Awesome!" I look to the girl who hasn't spoken yet. "And what's yours?"

"I- I'm Katie" she says, blushing.

"Great name!" I say, trying to stop her from feeling so nervous. It seems to work. She comes up to her friend and I, suddenly smiling.

"Could we maybe get a picture with you? It's just we've always wanted to meet you!"

"Yeah sure!" They each take turns on having their picture taken with me. As we look at them my bus pulls up. "This is my bus I'm afraid, but it was awesome meeting you guys!" I give them one last hug and step onto the bus, my mood improved. _At least there were some people out there who loved me, even if they weren't Dan._ I sit down and put in my earphones and listen to Muse on full volume for the rest of the journey, Dan finally off of my mind.


	4. (sort of) IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT !

Hey guys, I'm new to and as you know I've uploaded three chapters so far :) I'm going to upload the rest of the story as I write it here: story/4772823-fighting-a-feeling-a-phanfiction because I find the interface on wattpad far more user friendly :) There's another chapter on there up now with actual drama for once so be sure to go check it out!

Bye,and thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, favourited and followed the story :) -_Zoe_


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